Escalator Torture

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Torture in the New York City Subways

        The slow-motion 100+ year-old New York City subway system is a JOKE for a city this large. We blew Hiroshima and Nagasaki off the map in World War II, and Japan has a bullet train that goes 250MPH! We have trains that take two hours to get from Long Island City[1] to Long Island, train operators who jerk the train through the unobstructed tunnels, and automated announcements that say, "We're sorry for the delay", and "We are being temporarily held by the train's dispatcher". Yeah, right! Spare me your computerized apologies! In addition to lack of maintenance and upgrades to accommodate the twenty-first century, the NYC subway system holds what I believe to be the secret to get any terrorist or Al Qaeda operative to spill the beans on his partners in terrorism... the escalators of the NYC subway system.

        If you are not wearing headphones at the moment, go ahead and put them on. Turn the volume up a bit, and just imagine having to listen to this for 45 minutes or an hour while waiting for a train... imagine listening to this for DAYS while being interrogated... You WILL talk!

        There is no reason to hook wires up to genitals, or lead people around on dog leashes, and so I propose that the CIA requisition a copy of this recording from the NYC Transit Authority and use it instead of beating people up, or doing what they're doing in Stalin's old gulags.

        The recording says, "Please face forward while riding this escalator....... Avoid the sides of the escalator....... Please do not sit on the steps or the handrail...... Baby strollers, push carts, and go-carts[2] are not permitted on the escalator...... Please watch your step getting on and off....... Please... no materials on the escalator....... Please hold the handrail....... Please be careful while riding the escalator....... Have a nice day!....... For your child's safety, do not allow them play on or near the escalator...... Please face forward while riding this escalator....... {repeats}.

۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩۩
 

FOOTNOTES


1.    Long Island City is in Queens, across the East River from midtown Manhattan.
2.    I've never seen a "go-cart" in the subway. Perhaps a "go-cart" is something other than what I think it is.

 


 

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